Seven Signs of Insanity
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: sequel to the '7 Things' oneshots. Wilf is punching the Doctor, Jack is being chased by nurses, Mickey is being the smart one, Donna and Human are having personality transplants and the Doctor wonders if he's better of alone. happy b-day Josie


**Author's Note: sequel to the '7 Things Donna Noble Had Inherited from the Doctor' and '7 Things The Human Doctor Inherited from Donna'. This is also a birthday present to Josie who hates Human Doc, ships 10Rose forever and adores Donna. **

It was silent and boring. With no Rose to chat and flirt with, no Martha to discuss medicine and science with, no Mickey to tease, no Jack to scold and no Donna to shout and scream and slap him. It was silent and boring. The Doctor sighed heavily as he leaned against the console; he missed his friends far too much. The pain that burned him when he saw Martha, Mickey and Jack walk away, Rose kiss his other self and Donna not even look at him as she chatted down the phone had only dulled away into a small ache in the heart.

He rubbed his face and wished with everything that he could have them all back.

Or bring himself to find someone new. Someone just as brilliant and smart and sassy and sarcastic and flirty and adventurous. Someone who would look up at him with bright hopeful eyes and admire the strange sites before them. Someone who would simply hold his hand when they ran and laugh when they escape.

His mobile – or more accurately Martha's – chirped it's usual ringtone pulling him out of his angst-filled musings.

"Hello?"

"Doctor? Thank god you're here I was worried that I would go to voicemail" Martha's voice said with relief. "It's gone completely bananas here, a madhouse!"

"What happened? Has Jack opened the rift again? I knew I shouldn't have left that flirt in charge"

"No it's not Jack, its Donna!"

"What?"

"And Rose and your Human self and another Jack!"

"What?"

"It's insane, Rose and Human act like best friends, Donna is hitting on Rose, Human is hitting on both Jacks and both Human and Donna are being awful to Mickey. Not to mention Ianto and Gwen have locked themselves in their flats to get away from this nuthouse leaving me and Mickey to pick up the slack!"

"What?!"

"Oh for god sake get a new vocabulary and come down here and fix it!"

With that Martha hung up on the Doctor leaving him looking gobsmacked, mouth open wide and standing frozen with the phone still in his hand.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

When the TARDIS doors opened the Doctor was not greeted by a hug from either Martha or Jack nor was he greeted by a smiling Rose. Instead he was greeted by Wilf's fist.

"What the hell?" the Doctor shouted staggering back while clutching his eye. "What was that for?" he asked.

"For messing my Donna up!" Wilf snapped. "She's not herself anymore! She's wearing strange clothes-"

"She always wears strange clothes" the Doctor muttered.

"She's been rude-"

"She's always been rude, never knew to knock the amount of times she knocked down my bathroom doo-"

"Buying converses-"

"Nothing wrong with converses"

"Watching cricket, eating marmalade, jelly beans and bananas-"

"What's wrong with them?"

"And she's been dating a blonde woman by the name of Fred! Now she's hitting on Rose!"

The Doctor stood there silently as he processed everything in.

"Oh bugger!"

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

Upon entering the Hub the Doctor was welcomed by the sight of Donna wearing a large leather jacket, black jeans, dark green sweater and matching converses rummaging through some of the alien technology Jack had picked up over the years muttering to herself. Rose sat there nodding and adding a comment here and there while Mickey sat there scowling as he played on his game boy.

"...So basically you're saying it's an alien hairdryer" the Doctor could hear Rose saying.

"Yes that's right Rose, how fantastic are you? Not a normal ape like I originally thought" Donna said impressed with Rose's deduction. The Doctor coughed loudly causing both women to turn and look at him. "Oh it's you" Donna said in a flat voice. "Jack's boyfriend, don't you have something better to do than hover around and slapping me?"

"Eh? No I think you got the wrong one, I'm the Doctor"

"You can't be the Doctor because I am. So unless I regenerated into a gay pretty-boy you are not the Doctor" Donna said looking bored.

"She's channelling nine right now" Rose whispered. "Yesterday it was one and I almost strangled her. Do you have any idea how awful you were back then?"

"Vaguely" the Doctor muttered. "So I take it if she thinks she's the Doctor then my human self thinks-"

"There's no thinking about it" Rose hissed. "She's the Doctor and he's Donna. They're not aware that they're in the wrong body; it happened so slowly that no one really noticed until it was too late. Martha reckons because you had so many personalities all of them are fighting for control in Donna's body"

"That means the metacrisis didn't just swap knowledge and DNA but memories and personal quirks" the Doctor mused.

"There you are!" Martha exclaimed as she walked in from the autopsy room. "I was wondering when you'll finally show up, we got something important to show you as well" After a quick brief hug the Doctor was given a file from Martha, in them were two x-rays, one with two hearts and another with one. "Guess which one is Donna's"

"Please tell me it's not the two heart one" the Doctor begged.

"It's the two heart one" Rose, Martha and Mickey said flatly.

"I said don't!" the Doctor whined but after a glare from Donna who was now gulping tea down with her grandfather he manned up and asked the question he was dreading the most. "So where is my human self?"

"He's having a threesome with Jack and Jack" Rose said shrugging.

It took both Martha and Rose to stop him from committing suicide.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

"So tell me why we're in the 51st century" Jack asked looking round nervously, his parallel self slouching in the chair beside him looking completely unbothered.

"This is the century where personality transplants were perfected, they had the same body and memories but they were a completely different person" the Doctor explained calmly. "It's also when memory transplants were perfected so we can give my memories back to me and Donna's back to hers"

"Question!" Mickey said raising a hand.

"Is it a stupid one?" the Doctor asked, Mickey glared and the Doctor sighed. "Go on then"

"If the 51st century perfected all of this mind stuff, why didn't you take Donna there to fix her instead of hiding her memories of you?"

There was a silent pause as the Doctor struggled to think up an answer. The Jacks, Martha and Rose caught one another's eye and turned away in sniggers.

"Oh shut up" the Doctor groused.

"Jack Harkness!" a shrill voice shouted.

"Oh shit" Jack muttered getting up.

Everyone turned to see a large group of nurses holding up medical equipment in a rather menacing way.

"So, you thought you could love us all and then leave us, huh?" a short brunette with dangerously flashing amber eyes sneered.

"Thought you could seduce us and get away with it?" an Asian woman snarled.

"And then run off and never phone us!" a blonde holding a giant needle screeched.

"Ladies, ladies I can explain" Jack said charmingly holding his hands up in a 'I surrender' gesture.

"We're waiting" a redhead said hands on her hips.

"It was all his fault!" Jack said pointing at his parallel self.

"What?" the other Jack said.

"Get them both!" the redhead shouted.

"What?"

"Never mind that, RUN!"

The Doctor groaned in embarrassment while he and the others watched in amusement as both Jacks ran off with the nurses running after them.

"One day Jack will learn to keep his pants on" Rose said.

"Yeah when the sky is green, pigs fly in tutus and Ianto stops making coffee" Mickey muttered under his breath.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

"Unfortunately your human friend didn't make it" the doctor (not the Time Lord the actual medical one) said in a sympathetic voice. "After all this transplant is a recent development and is a very difficult surgery so it is to be expected"

Everyone glared at the Doctor who pulled on his ear nervously. "Oops..." he laughed falsely. "I must have accidentally got the timing wrong"

"Again" Rose, Martha, Mickey and the immortal Jack (no one was quite sure where his parallel self went) muttered.

"However your Galifreyan friend, who I must say is a miracle itself considering they're supposed to be extinct, is safe and sound" the doctor said leading them towards a room. "Unfortunately she regenerated in middle of surgery-"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Jack wailed clinging onto the doctor's white lab coat. "Please tell me she hasn't lost her lustrous red hair!"

Everyone stared at him.

"What?" Jack asked. "I got a thing for redheads"

"Figures" Mickey muttered.

"Don't worry son, she hadn't regenerated drastically" the doctor said awkwardly patting Jack's back. "In fact you can see for yourself" he opened the door to reveal a young woman roughly round twenty flicking through a magazine.

Her hair was red as ever though longer and shiner, her skin was clear and pale and her facial features were more defined. She was beautiful.

She caught them staring from the corner of her eye and pointed a finger at the Doctor. "Look Space-Boy just because I'm now your species and am now younger, sexier and so on. You. Are. Not. Mating. With. Me. Sunshine. Got it?"

The Doctor nodded still looking completely gobsmacked. He couldn't believe he had everyone back, Donna remembered everything, Rose was here, Jack was being his usual flirty self and Mickey was an idiot again.

"And why haven't you snogged Rose yet? If I were you I would have if I was finally reunited with my long lost love. Also is your shirt un-tucked? And close your mouth you're catching flies. Martha smack this twat will you he won't stop staring, Jack as much as I think you're sexy will you stop touching my hair and Mickey stop standing around and get a seat for Rose. Jesus Christ am I the only one here with an ounce of common sense?"

On second thoughts maybe he's better off alone.


End file.
